Bad pitches… everybody gets them

Just to follow up on both my previous post and comments I’ve left on a number of blogs this week:

All bloggers — even PR and marketing bloggers — get crappy email pitches. I thought I would share a couple with you. Names redacted because I’m irritated, not mean.

Dear Sirs:

COMPANY will be releasing a revolutionary new software package that I thought might be of interest to you. It is easily adaptable to any language and to vendor private labeling.

We are notifying certain companies involved in Online Marketing to let them know about our software, prior to its release to the General Public.

Below is a copy of the Press Release that will be going out.

PRESS RELEASE

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

PRODUCT creates quality web content from wasted web pages.

PLACE August 1, 2007 – A new age of e-commerce dawned today with the release of PRODUCT; the software package that makes dynamic web pages visible to the Search Engines.

PRODUCT creates static HTML pages, which Search Engines can easily index and use, from dynamic pages like shopping carts, forums, blogs, databases or ANY link-navigated web pages created from a database.

PRODUCT uses a two-step process; first creating a static page from a dynamic page, then changing the URL address of that page to one the search engines will visit.

Search Engines do not give dynamic web pages much import and they seldom appear in Search Engine top listings, if at all. Until PRODUCT, there has only been a partial solution; using complex server-installed modules beyond the range of 99.9% of web masters, which offer nothing to help the readability of the resulting URL. Unlike these previous so-called "fixes", PRODUCT is simple-to-use, quick-to-setup, easy-to-understand and the program installs on any web master’s personal computer that runs Windows.

COMPANY’S PRODUCT has changed the face of the Internet by turning wasted content into visible pages for the search engines.

About COMPANY

Established in 1997, COMPANY has over 250,000 copies of its ANOTHER PRODUCT, in use in over 30 countries.

NAME, CEO of the company says, "COMPANY is dedicated to helping businesses to become more successful on the web. Ten years ago, we changed the face of the Internet by developing the first linking software and now we are changing it again by making the ability to optimize websites available to the average web master. There are over a billion web sites on the net, and if you are invisible to the search engines you are virtually INVISIBLE. If the search engines cannot see your pages, they cannot visit them and list them. We have just changed the face of the industry, by making it simple to index hundreds or even thousands of pages of previously wasted content."

Yeah, this PR person took some time to get to know me. Susan. Before they sent me a release in which I have absolutely NO interest. YAWN.

And here’s another beauty. No cover note.

Publicity Firm To Represent Former PLACE Prosecutor in News Marketing Campaign
COMPANY will market former PLACE prosecutor NAME OF PERSON in a campaign for news publicity.

DATELINE / August 2, 2007  The news publicity agency, NAME, which has landed clients on Good Morning America and into the pages of top national magazines, today added a former PLACE prosecutor to its list of publicity clients.

NAME is a former PLACE criminal prosecutor. He’s now a criminal defense attorney in ANOTHER PLACE and a professor at A COLLEGE teaching Criminal Law.

“NAME has the qualities that news executives and booking agents look for in a legal expert,” says PUBLICIST, of PUBLICITY FIRM. “He’s smart, knows his stuff and has the experience to debate topical legal issues with the best attorneys around and I look forward to seeing him do it.”

PUBLICIST is a former reporter, investigative reporter and anchor. He left a successful TV news career after 20 years to form his own publicity agency. He represents individuals and businesses seeking news publicity.

“My goal is to make NAME a regular on local and cable news,” says PUBLICIST. “I think he’s got what it takes to do really well.”

NAME is a graduate of A UNIVERSITY. While with the PLACE District Attorney’s office he was assigned to the Narcotics Bureau where he prosecuted drug crimes. He also has extensive experience prosecuting and defending drunk drivers.

About PUBLICITY FIRM: PUBLICITY FIRM is a news publicity agency that specializes in writing and distributing press releases and representing elite clients in their quest for news publicity. PUBLICIST, a former TV news reporter, investigative reporter and anchor, who left a successful career to start his own publicity agency, runs the company.

Lovely. Really. I wish them well in their quest to make NAME a sought-after legal expert. But why in the world would I care? Last time I looked, I was neither local nor cable news…..

Want to read some more bad pitches? Head over to the Bad Pitch Blog.

Tags: blogger relations, public relations, pr, bad pitches